By Roy Clarke (Kalaki’s korner)
Every morning at breakfast Sara likes to read out the latest horror story from the Daily Nail, which now headlines a new grisly murder for us every morning, to keep us entertained and to take our minds off the strange behaviour of the government.
‘Listen to this,’ said Sara, as she poured her cornflakes.
‘RITUAL KILLING AT HIGH COURT. The dismembered corpse of a woman was yesterday morning found outside the High Court. Workers at the court claimed that her name was Zambia Justice, and that she had been employed as a malonda to protect the High Court from any injustice. Her head had been cut off with her own sword, and her scales were found hanging from the railings with her heart on one side and her brains on the other.
‘When contacted for a comment the Lusaka Chief of Police, Dr Sillyman Jelly, said that the members of the victim’s family were always the first suspects in any murder. Therefore three judges had been arrested, and the Chief Justice fired, pending further investigations.’
‘What a terrible story,’ said Sara, as she savagely dismembered an apple with a steak knife.
‘FULL EMPLOYMENT FINALLY FOUND. There was drama outside the gates of Slavery and Exploitation Ltd on Lumumba Road when a woman began screaming and weeping inconsolably. Apparently her husband, Mr Full Employment, had gone to the factory a week ago looking for work, but had never returned. Apparently Full Employment had been promised by a man called Patriotic Manifesto, a well known politician.
‘After a full search of the premises, the missing person was finally found in the long grass outside the factory wall. There was nothing left except a cleanly picked skeleton. Apparently the rats had found Full Employment.’
‘Things are really getting quite frightening,’ said Sara, as she poured herself a cup of tea. ‘Listen to this:
‘MURDER AT LEALUI. The Litunga and his indunas awoke to a terrible shock yesterday morning. When the Ngambela opened the palace door he found the corpse of an old man lying in a pool of blood. Further examination revealed that this was the body of Barotse Agreement, the long lost son of Barotseland, who had promised to restore the glory of that great empire, but who had suddenly and strangely disappeared on 24 October 1964.
‘When told about this sudden and sad death, the government spokesperson, Mr Patriotic Manifesto, declared that there would be a State Funeral and seven days of mourning. In line with our election promises, he had said, we shall honour Barotse Agreement.
‘My God,’ said Sara, ‘things are getting worse. THOUSANDS OF GRADE SEVEN LEAVERS DISAPPEAR. Concern is growing throughout the country after reports that grade seven leavers have suddenly disappeared from their homes. Many of the bereaved parents have said that an old man in a green uniform was seen lurking near the house before their child vanished.
‘An expert from the Ministry of Chiefs and Traditional Affairs has expressed fears that these children may have been murdered for their body parts, to be used in a gruesome ritual to resurrect the dreaded monster that haunted youngsters in the 1970s, the mindless and much feared Zambia Nutty Serpent. He advised parents to lock up their children at night and to beware of an ugly old man in a mouldy green uniform smelling of the one-party state.
‘In a telephone interview the Curator of the Livingstone Museum, where the remains of ZNS are kept, has reported that a rhinoceros, giving his name as Chipembele Kambilimbili, last week burst into the museum, ripped open the coffin and made off with the remains of ZNS.’
‘But when contacted, government spokesperson Patriotic Manifesto advised that all these developments were merely part of the youth training scheme promised by the ruling party.’
Sara was buttering her toast angrily when I found her at breakfast. ‘Nobody told me about this,’ she complained, ‘it seems I missed a most entertaining funeral. Look at this headline:
‘PATRIOTIC MANIFESTO PUT TO REST. A strident voice of the people, who had promised so much, was yesterday put to rest in the Field of Broken Promises at Leopards Hill.
‘In his eulogy at the funeral of Patriotic Manifesto, Father Ukwa of the Perfect Faith declared that the departed Patriotic Manifesto was a prophet whose predictions were misunderstood. Some misguided people had claimed that he had promised Heaven on Earth in ninety days when he had actually said ninety years. They had even tried to blame Patriotic Manifesto for the spate of murders that had swept the country over the past few days.
‘Father Ukwa assured the mourners that Patriotic Manifesto would resurrect in the year 2016 and would return by boat across the waters of Lake Mweru, as the congregation chanted Hallelujah! Pabwato!
‘A police spokesperson had earlier announced that the post-mortem results had shown that complete loss of face had caused a massive haemorrhage of popular support.’
Original posting is found on Kalaki’s blog here