By Hillary Mulenga
Uncle Rabbies must be congratulating the members of the National Nincompoops Conference (NCC) for granting him another presidency at no cost. For reasons known best to themselves, the Nincompoops met and decided to hold their brains to ransom by squeezing in the most unfortunate clause. Now, if the Movement for Mad Declarations (MMD) has never had a party of the century, their cadres must be chasing chickens with knives by now.
If you are a Zedian like me, you should thank the NCC for this very easy clause. I mean check the numbers of Degree holders who have nothing to do because Uncle Chilly closed all the mines. At least they will find themselves something to do- vying for the presidency! This is presidency on a silver platter!
If you are in school, don’t worry. The opportunity is there! Get a leakage at Grade 12; go to Yunza; get a leakage there or if you are unprepared for the exam, organize a demo over a leaking tap so that your exams are delayed and you’ll get ample time to organize yourself for that degree! It has never been this easy to vie for the presidency!
If you can’t squeeze yourself into any of our ramshackle universities, don’t give up yet. Cross the borders. It only takes a bribe at the Immigration office for you to get a passport or a VISA.
Grandpa Subtle should not think this clause is aimed at him! I mean why should he want to run for the presidency when it is clear that your head has to turn upside down for you to do so? Look at Uncle Rabbies. He has fit so well in the presidency because his head is upside down. Somehow, we tend to think that he dropped his brains during one of his many flights to abroad. The Zedian presidency is for upside down heads. That is why Brother Love crossed the other side of the world because he tried to rule Zed with an upright head and got himself in trouble with his health.
If Grandpa Subtle or Brother Hitch wants to run for the presidency, they must stop thinking straight and behave like degree holders. Uncle Rabby has a degree and that’s why he sent all the monkeys packing after they attempted to melt his brains with hot urine! It takes a degree holder to be courageous and send monkeys away or acquit a dangerous criminal.
So how will Zed be under a degree-holding presidency? Well, I have hope that the economy will be on papers; problems will be solved rationally; poverty and hunger will be unproved philosophies that no one should pay attention to; the inflation rate will be reduced to negative digits; Zambia will lift the World Cup and host consecutive Olympics. Don’t worry about the practicality of these ideals. After all, nothing is impossible in the head of an intellectual. But only in the head!
If Zed wants to attach itself to any sense, let them elect an uneducated villager who will be preoccupied with feeding hungry mouths than solving problems in his mind. But this is the time of degree holders! Viva nincompoops!